Watcher, Talker, Actor
During a self-retreat I had an experience: I was watching myself. My body was doing something – all on its own. And I was watching. That was when I discovered the Watcher, Talker, Actor.
Like everyone else, I was created by my mother and father. And most of what I am is the result of my nature meeting mom and dad. I learned from them: she gave me the way, he gave me the tools.
Mom and dad
Mom
My mother saw reality her way and I really had no choice: I had to see it her way. She taught me to accept.
My mother said: do it your own God Dammed way. So I decided to follow the Goddess instead.
My mother said to make your goals higher than you can reach. So you can’t ever reach the goal.
She kept a candy bar in a drawer. Whenever I didn’t reach the goal, she would pull it out and say “this is what you would have gotten”. Whenever I reached the goal, she would say I took too long and that reward is no longer available.
So learned that there are no rewards.
But she gave me a way out: if I put in a little effort, she would praise. So all I had to do was look like I was doing what she wanted, and a chameleon was born.
Dad
My father said that I was a victim of immediacy, he said I was born evil.
Yet he did teach me something: he made me a magician. He said “Let Butch do it”: I was the one who could make it happen.
Once a friend of mine and I went to my father’s house to get my piano. We used my friend’s car along with a trailer. When we needed to back the car to the steps, my father said to my friend “Let Butch do it”. I did it so perferctly: the back of the trailer was exactly parallel to the steps and just an inch away.
And aren’t I just like him? One way at home, the other with the world?
Like him in this:
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Many unfinished projects
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Woman oriented
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Being a technologist
Who am I, really?
I am a process in time, a product in space
Recently I came into contact with Non-dual, and that is their favorite question. They tell me that all this time I am spending trying to understand myself and my universe is just a waste of time, and worse, it is the cause of my suffering.
I spent a lot of time trying to understand the three Buddhist characteristics. The one about no-self took the longest. It took a long time to see the logic fallacy: moving from three dimensions to one dimension. Then my thinking moved from “unfindable” to “unknowable”.