Reframing
For a long time I have thought that reframing, seeing things in a new way, was the key to solving our disconnect. During that thinking I found three ways we could reframe:
By moving from:
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Agree -> View
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Competition -> Cooperation
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Argue -> Discuss.
Each of these is expressing the same thing in a new frame. Recently I found a new way to reframe: express yourself in another persons frame. I found this in a conversation with a friend. We were talking while she was doing the thing she loved: gardening. And we were talking about something I was upset about.
At one point while she was working on the side of her house, she began complaining about something that was happening on that side that she didn’t like. And because she didn’t like it, she wanted to quickly finish so she could move to the friendlier side of the house. At that point I said that playing with my technological toys was to me what gardening was to her.
She had an insight: what I was complaining about was the same thing that she was facing, just with gardening, not technology. That lead to my insight: framing what I was facing in her terms. And found a forth way to reframe.
In our discussions today, we seek to reach agreement. We say to each other “I agree”, “I disagree”. Could we say instead “In my view” and try to find the common ground?
Today we frame everything as a competition, and cooperation is selling out. We win an election, everyone else is a loser. Could we reframe it as chosen rather than winner? We chose the one that is right today, we may chose the other tomorrow. When we chose chocolate, is vanilla a loser?
Today we frame everything as an argument and we defend our view. What if, instead of defending our view, we spend our time trying to understand theirs? If I argue, I force you to defend your view, I force you to attack mine. If I present my view, then try to understand yours, you might be more open.